


Bigfoot Valley CIA  Part 1

by KurtPikachu2001



Category: American Dad!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 06:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2181207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KurtPikachu2001/pseuds/KurtPikachu2001
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stan wants to prove to his naysayer CIA co-workers that he can be a weekend warrior.  Klaus's suggestion is that Stan goes to hunt for Bigfoot.  Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus all spend the weekend trying to hunt for the mythical creature.  Meanwhile, Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi want to have a peaceful non-violent camping trip of their own.  This fanfic is to those American Dad fans who didn't get a Bigfoot plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bigfoot Valley CIA  Part 1

American Dad!

Fanfic Title:

Bigfoot Valley CIA

by: Trenton Sands

Opening Credits Scene:

Roger's Disguise: Genevieve Vavance

 

Scene 1:

One Monday morning at the CIA in Langley Falls, Deputy Director Bullock, agents Jackson, Saunders, and Dick Reynolds were all talking until their voices overlapped, just as Stan Smith walked in. 

Stan: So, what's on our agenda today? Did anyone hear about those Isis terrorists?

Bullock: Nope, we're not going to do anything about that today, Smith. 

Stan: What are we doing?

Jackson: We're having an assignment called "What Did We Do This Weekend!"

Stan: The hell? Are we in grade school?

Bullock: We should let Stan in about our fun weekend.

Dick: You missed it, Stan! You should've been there!

Jackson: Tell him where we went!

Saunders: We went to Mexico!

Stan: Mexico? And you people didn't let me in on it?

Jackson: We never told you because you don't like partying.

Stan: I do so like to party! I have fun on weekends. Who told you I didn't? My daughter, Hayley?

Bullock: We went to the beach and went boating....

Jackson: We got high on cocaine and heroin and we vandalized houses and neighborhoods.....

Saunders: We climbed mountains.....we even beat up Mariachi bands......and we also had a Fast and the Furious style car race against each other in Baja California! It was so awesome! 

Dick: And we saw naked ladies riding on donkeys! Bareback! If you know what we mean....

Stan: I get that....

Bullock: Where were YOU this weekend, Smith?

Stan: You know, I had a fun weekend, too! My family and I went on a picnic. We had to take along Francine's retarded uncle Tao....... 

Dick: Have any iPhone videos of it?

Stan: Really funny story. We were having our picnic and uncle Tao disappeared and climbed up a tree. Then Tao started screaming in a stereotypical Chinese accent, "I Want Woman Now! I Want Woman Now! I Want Woman Now!" 

Saunders: Tell us more about this (sarcastically) exciting adventure......

Stan: We spent the whole night trying to get Uncle Tao down from the tree. Then Francine got a nurses aid to coax him down and now her uncle Tao is in a assisted living facility! Did I mention her uncle Tao was still peeing in his pants at the age of 40?

The CIA agents laughed at Stan.

Jackson: Oooooh, what fun! (points finger at his temple and imitates gunshot)

Saunders: You do know we don't believe you...Hell, we're all on the Weekend Warrior Hall of Fame, which is a place you'll never be in! 

Stan: It's true....

Bullock: Why didn't you take any pictures of it? We took pictures of our Mexico trip.

Then Bullock shows Stan on his iPhone all of the pictures of the CIA agents living it up in Mexico.

Dick: Face it, Smith! You're a stiff! You'll never be a weekend warrior! 

Bullock, Jackson, Dick, and Saunders continued to laugh as Stan walks away and sighs despondantely.

Stan: Awwwwww.....

Bullock: Smith is so desperate to prove to us he's a weeekend warrior, he uses Federico Fellini movies as references! 

Jackson (laughs): His movies are boring! 

Dick: Surprised he didn't say nothing from 8 1/2!

Saunders: I didn't know Stan was Italian!

Jackson: Maybe he's in the Mafia! 

Dick: Let's ask him to 'Make us an offer we can't refuse'! (laughing)

Bullock (calling out): By the way, Smith! You're not invited to our next trip to Nepal to climb Mt Everest. Since you're a stiff and all.....

Stan goes to the conference room and sees everyone's pictures on the Weekend Warrior Hall of Fame. Stan sighs despondentely. 

 

Scene 2:

That afternoon, Francine was cleaning house as Stan walked in bawling and crying. Klaus was there, too. At first, Francine thought it was Steve. Stan crashed onto the couch in the livng room and incoherentely sobbed.

Francine: Steve, honey! Did Vince Chung beat you up again......(sees Stan) Oh, it's you. 

Klaus: As Barney Rubble once said, "I hate to see a grown man cry."

Stan (sobbing): Do you wifely duties and comfort me.

Francine: Calm yourself and tell me what happened....

Stan (sobbing): I hate those sons of bitches at the CIA.....

Klaus: Is it me or does Stan sound like a cross between Jimmy Swaggart and Jonah Hill when he cries?

Francine: Blow it out your ass, Klaus! Can't you see Stan is going ape(beep) crazy? What happened?

Stan (sobbing): Bullock and the others were bragging about their Mexican vacation...

Francine: Yes, and....

Stan (Sobbing): I told them I had a fun weekend, and they didn't believe me.....

Francine: Awwww, sweetie. What do those CIA agents know?

Stan (sobbing): They know how to have a good time. (sobbing) Why is it everyone gets to have super adventures on the weekend expect me? 

Francine: Well, how about you do something very fun this weekend, and you can have something to show for it.

Stan: Where do I begin? Bullock and the gang were right, I don't know how to have fun at all....damn those assholes to hell! 

Francine: I can help you with that....

Stan: What's your ideas?

Francine: How about we go on that new reality show The Quest? You know, sneak on the set....

Stan (pouting childishly): I don't want to go on a reality show...(sniffles)

Francine: An archological dig! You can be like Indiana Jones...

Stan: Dumb.....

Francine: We can stay overnight at a haunted house and try to talk to ghosts!

Stan: Do I look like Marlon Wayans to you?

Klaus: Hey, I know! 

Stan: Great. I need a fish to tell me how to have a fun weekend?

Klaus: If you're going to be a prick about it, I won't tell you.

Stan: All right! All right! Tell me your suggestion...

Klaus: Was watching this TV Show on Youtube called In Search Of...

Francine: That was a show from the 1970's with Leonard Nimoy.

Klaus: This lunatic was trying to catch Bigfoot. And he used fish as bait.

Francine: Where are you going with this?

Klaus: You can spend this weekend trying to catch Bigfoot, Stan!

Stan: You're right! This IS something I can do! I'll show that Bullock, Jackson, Dick, and Saunders that I CAN be the ultimate weekend warrior! And they will cry and tremble when I show them Bigfoot's severed bloody head!

Francine: That is something we can all do! 

Stan: Wait until I get my hands on Bigfoot! Bullock and the guys are going to be so jealous! (laughs evilly) And they will never exclude me from anything ever again! Like that inner circle thing from a while back...

Francine: This is why I'm glad to be a stay at home housewife. 

 

Scene 3:

 

The following Friday night. Steve was watching TV. Roger came in.

Roger: What the hell is this (beep) you're watching?

Steve: My Little Pony Friendship is Magic! My friends and I joined a Bronies club at our school!

Roger (scoffs): Talk about a cry for help. You really ought to go on Dr. Phil. He can only tell you that liking something for girls to impress them is a sign that you're possibly gay.

Steve: It's not gay! If you must know Snot, Barry, and Toshi and I thought if we joined a Bronies club and liked something girls normally like, we can get some ding-a-long-ding-dong with some upper classgirls! And also girls from our grade, too. 

Roger: Liking a girly cartoon isn't going to increase your chances of doing the horizontal mambo, Steve....

Steve: Mark my words, yes it will!

Roger: Well this is MY time on the TV. So we're going to watch something more mature....

Steve looks on as Roger changes the channel to Showtime. The show that is being shown is Penny Dreadful.

Roger: This show is called Penny Dreadful!

Steve: Ick! It's all dark and gloomy! Not colorful at all. 

Roger: It takes place in Victorian England. This show is like Dowtown Abbey if Wes Craven and Eli Roth directed it. 

Steve: Put back on My Little Pony! Mom will kill me if she knew I was watching horror shows.....

Roger: Too bad for you. 

Steve tries to fight with Roger over control of the remote. Steve manages to take the remote and changed the channel back to My Little Pony.

Roger (takes the remote from Steve): You just earned yourself a bitch slapping, boy!

Steve growns in anger when Roger puts back on Penny Dreadful.

Roger: Don't you want to see a buck naked Frankenstein? It shows is dick and testicles!

Steve (take the remote from Roger): No! I want to watch My Little Pony! My friends and I are on Twitter to talk about it.

Roger: Well, I want to see that cutie pie Josh Hartnett! He's one of my many man crushes.....He has such a cute ass!

Steve: I don't want to see actors, I want to socialize with girls...

Roger and Steve fight again over the remote and Roger pushes the button back on Showtime, then punches Steve and takes the batteries out of the remote and Penny Dreadful played on the TV.

Steve (angerly): You son of a whore! Now I can't talk to my friends on Twitter! You ruin everything!

Roger: Looks like you have no choice but to watch Penny Dreadful!

Stan walks into the room

Steve: Dad! Roger's making me watch horror shows....

Stan (turns off TV): Guess what? No TV for anyone this weekend!

Roger: Say whaaaaaa......

Stan: That's right. We're all spending the weekend in the woods haunting for Bigfoot! So pack your bags, we're leaving tommorow!

Roger: Bigfoot, eh? Can I be part of this?

Stan: Of course. I need all the help I can get so I can make those asswipes at the CIA know that Stan Smith will indeed be the poster child for super fun adventurous weekends!

 

Scene 4:

 

It was the next morning. Stan, Francine, Steve, Roger, Klaus, and along with Snot, Barry, and Toshi were all getting ready for their Bigfoot hunting adventure. Roger was dressed as Russell from the Disney movie Up. 

Stan: Who's ready to kick some Bigfoot ass and stick it to the CIA?

Francine: I'm all set and packed! Where's Hayley? She ought to come with us, too.

Stan: Are you THAT naive, Francine? She'd never go with us. If Hayley found out we were hunting Bigfoot, she would be starting a Facebook campaign to let him live and not be exploited! (sees Roger's disguise) Who are you supposed to be?

Roger: I'm that little boy Russell from the Disney Pixar Movie Up. Since we're going into the woods, thought I'd put on something a little more rustic! 

Stan: And that's what you came up with?

Roger (shouting): Don't stifle my creativity!

Klaus: Hayley is back locked in her room.

Stan: All because she misses Jeff and Millionaire Matt Davis. (shakes his fist at Roger): I will never forgive you for killing Matt Davis! You destroyed on what might've been the perfect son in law for me! 

Roger (cowering): Thought we moved on from that!

Stan (to Steve): Hey, champ! You all going to help us track down Bigfoot, too?

Snot: Why? So you could try to turn us into your delusional idea of what a 'real man' should be? 

Stan: Call me delusional one more time, I'm using Barry as target practice!

Barry (scared): Oh, no! He's really going to kill me! Knew this day would come! Stan has always had it out for me! (hides behind couch)

Toshi (in Japanese): Typical fat dumb idiot. Bumbling and buffoonish! Believes anything anybody tells him! 

Steve: Nope! We won't be joining you, Dad! My friends and I are going to have a peaceful, non-violent campout!

Stan: Greaaaat... think Hayley's liberalness is starting to rub off on Steve.

Francine: What are we waiting for! Are we ever going to go?

Roger: Are we going to get a move on or are we just going to sit around and talk? You know how much I hate all talk and no action! 

Stan, Francine, Roger, Klaus, Steve, Barry, Toshi, and Snot all gathered into Stan's SUV and set out into the woods.

 

Scene 5:

Everyone was in the woods. It was the early afternoon. While Steve, Barry, Snot, and Toshi were camping out somewhere else in the woods, Stan was pitching a tent. There was a campfire, backpacks, guns, and bags of food. Roger and Klaus were outside the tent.

Stan (sighs contently): Camping! The wilderness, fresh air, water, and best of all hunting! What else can a man ask for? Feel like Paul Bunyan! A sexier version of Paul Bunyan! 

Francine: You know Stan. A lot of people believe Bigfoot don't exist. 

Stan: He DOES exist! He's as real as beer gets! I will finally show my CIA buddies that I am a weekend party animal by shoving my hand up Bigfoot's ass and tearing out his entrails! 

Francine (sarcastically): Uh Hmmmm. And then what?

Stan: Then finish him by giving him a fatal head wound off JFK style! Then everyone at the CIA will have to (singing): Gimme Some Lovin' Gimme Gimme Some Lovin'! Gimme Some Lovin'! Gimme Gimme Some Lovin! Everyday! And get my place and picture on the Weekend Warriors Hall of Fame.

Francine: What if you don't get Bigfoot and you become a laughingstock of the CIA all over again?

Roger (walking by with a machete): Won't be a problem for me. I love it people laugh at the expense of others.

Stan: Bigfoot is going down, tonight! He usually comes out at night, though. Did not think this through.....

Francine: What will we do until then? 

Stan hears some pounding outside the tent.

Francine: That could be him! (squeals) This is so cool to be part of this! 

Stan: Ha! Now to get my moment in the.........(grabs a gun and walks out) Wait, this is too easy, was expecting more of a challange and.....

Then Stan sees Roger and Klaus throw knives at a pieces of plywood. The plywood had an outline of a cowboy drawn on it. Roger and Klaus kept throwing knives at the crotch area of the outline of the cowboy.

Stan: What is this? You guys trying to do a Western porno S&M murder movie?

Roger: We're training ourselves to catch Bigfoot, Stan! We're doing the old Ed Ames approach! I loved it when Johnny Carson told him, "Let's see how Indian you really are"! (laughs)

Klaus: Roger told me he was in the audience that day Johnny Carson had Ed Ames on his show. 

Roger: This is where I got my inspiration from to train ourselves to help you on your quest. 

Stan (takes knives out of the plywood): No! Catching Bigfoot is going to be MY glory! 

Roger: He won't come until nightfall.....

Klaus: What will we do in the meantime?

Stan: Make yourselves useful and stop screwing around! Go out into the woods and look for clues!

Roger: We're going! Sheesh! Is it such a cardinal sin to try to have some fun with this! Maybe the CIA was right about you, maybe you are a stiff! And by stiff I mean that erect patootie between your legs that you jizz from!

Stan (strangles Roger): I am NOT A STIFF!!!!!! 

Klaus: Woah! This is like George Bush and Sam Donaldson! 

Stan lets go of Roger and he and Klaus go off into the woods.

Francine: Give him some good evidence!

Roger and Klaus were walking through the woods looking for any sign of Bigfoot.

Klaus: What does Bigfoot look like?

Roger: Wait, what? You kidding? You don't know what he looks like? After all those documentaries we saw of him?

Klaus: Does anybody REALLY know what he looks like?

Roger: Let's drop the subject and give Stan a run for his money!

Out of his backpack, Roger takes out some cake mix and mixes it into a bowl.

Klaus: Cake mix? Is this what's going to cut the deal with Bigfoot? Has this been your plan all along? Are you going to catch him before Stan does?

Roger: No. I saw Justin Long do this in that movie "The Sasquatch Gang". 

Klaus: Don't know what that is. Was that an Independent movie?

Roger: Shut up and follow my lead! I'm going to prank Stan!

Roger puts the cake batter into the ground and mixes it with grass and mud. Meanwhile, back at the tent, Stan and Francine were having lunch.

Klaus (calling out): We found a clue! We found a clue!

Stan: You did? Excellent!

Roger had a picnic basket with the cake batter inside.

Klaus: Roger just found some Bigfoot droppings!

Francine: Eewwwww, gross! Don't say that while I'm eating.

Stan: Droppings, eh? And to think you had no faith in me that Bigfoot really exists!

Roger: The proof is in the pudding! (hands Stan the basket)

Stan: Yes! I was right. (opens the basket and smells chocolate) Chocolate?!?!

Roger: That's right! A tisket, a tasket, Bigfoot (beep) in a basket! (laughs) Fooled you! 

Klaus: It's really cake batter, Stan! And to think you fell for it! (laughs)

Then Stan punches Roger and he goes flying until he lands on a tree brunch.

Stan: Go suck some donkey sperm you drunken promiscuious tranny!

Francine: I think Roger and Klaus were right to prank you. They were trying to show you how silly you're being! 

Stan: Oh, yeah! And you're no better than them and my CIA co-workers! Bigfoot's groin will soon be mine! All mine! I will not be mocked or persecuted!

Francine: This is beside the point, but does it really matter what your co-workers think of you?

Stan (whining): But Francine.....I don't want to be left out again....you don't know how mean they can be......

Francine: We'll continue this wild goose chase if it will make you feel better!

Stan: WWWEEEEE!!!!! YIPPIEEE!!!! (skips back and forth childishly) 

 

Scene 6:

In another part of the forrest, Steve and his friends were sitting around their campfire roasting marshmallows.

Steve: This is so wonderful! Hanging around with my fellow geeks. Who needs popularity?

Snot: Ditto for me, Steve. No chaos or confusion, nobody bullying us or trying to turn us into tough guys. Making S'mores with Nestle's crunch bars.....

Barry: We're deviating from the stereotype! (making S'Mores with Steve, Barry, and Toshi) 

Toshi (in Japanese): I would prefer we made rice cakes instead.

Steve: Think this calls for a sing-a-long!

Snot: Great idea. We can sing in peace and harmony amoung the woodland animals.

Barry: Let's sing 'Ode To Billy Joe'.

Snot: Yeah, or David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust! Sounds very sci-fi! 

Barry: Or what about Strange Magic from ELO? My parents play that when they smoke crack.

Steve: I know a better 1970's song fitting for this situation. (takes out a guitar) Rainbow Connection! You know from The Muppet Movie! 

Snot (hands the guitar to Toshi): You know that one, don't you, Toshi?

Toshi: (in Japanese): You all assume I can play any musical instrument just because I am Japanese? And have a Tiger Mom who forces me to practice? Perhaps I should do something that's offensive to whites!

Steve: I wish this peaceful moment never has to end!

Snot: It doesn't have to, hit it, Toshi!

Toshi starts playing Rainbow Connection on the guitar. Steve, Snot, and Barry sing along.

Steve, Barry, and Snot (singing): Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions. But only illusions. And rainbows have nothing to hide! 

In the pond of the forrest, Principal Lewis comes swimming out and is out of breath. 

Lewis: At last. Civilization! All I need is some shelter! 

Principal Lewis continues to run through the woods until he sees Stan's tent. 

Lewis: Perfect!

Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus were in the tent. Stan and Francine were playing cards as Roger and Klaus were playing with an iPAD. Prinicpal Lewis comes bursting in!

Lewis: Smith family! Thank God!

Stan: Prinicipal Lewis? You here to mooch off my family again?

Lewis: You need to hide me, please!

Klaus: Prinicipal Lewis is back? To steal the spotlight from us again?

Francine: What's your excuse this time?

Lewis: I'm on the run from the cops!

Roger: Black guy running away from the cops? Puh-leese! That's nothing new.

Lewis: No, you don't understand. I was running away from a riot.

Stan: A riot? Let me guess? A race riot.

Lewis: Correct. Once the police spotted me, they tried to shoot me, and they thought I was participating in the riot. Got in my car, and the cops were chasing me in their cars. I went through two states until I drove back here to Virginia.

Francine: There was a high speed chase? And Shepard Smith wasn't all over that?

Stan: All right, I'll ponder about this. Where exactly was this 'riot' you were running away from?

Lewis: Ferguson Missouri!

There was a license plate on Prinicpal Lewis's pants.

Roger: Hmmm, story checks out.

Francine: You can stay, but we're not enabling you.

Klaus: You can help us catch Bigfoot!

Lewis: Bigfoot, eh? I'm in!

Just then a dark shadowy figure was running through the woods miles away from Stan's campsite.


End file.
